Grace Beyond Measure

How often we completely underestimate God.

This week I was drenched in the grace and power of God and found myself in a position to share that grace. And I was made very aware of several things: (a) I completely underestimated the ability and willingness of God to change/shape my heart, and (b) I don't always feel like being a Christian.

When I get hurt, my instinct is to close myself off, to put up unscalable walls and promise myself that I'll never let that happen again. Self-protection is a human instinct and it's as present in emotional circumstances as it is in physical ones. And often the people who love us, while their intentions are good and supportive, encourage us to hide behind these walls and in our cages of hurt and anger. They hint that we should push away the people that hurt us, because clearly those people can't be trusted.

But Jesus said no to this. I reflected on His life this week, and countless times in the gospels He loves and has compassion on those who don't deserve His love, who will eventually turn around and scream for Him to be crucified. He even knew Judas would betray Him, and yet He washed his feet. In this action, Jesus defied instinct and logic and He simply loved. Wow.

So now it's my turn. I got bruised this week and I felt betrayed. I was hurting. So I prayed for God to help me, to let me be forgiving and gracious, to let me be like Him. And guess what? He answered. Quickly.

I lived for a few days feeling hopeless. Feeling like my life had taken an unalterable turn down a horrible road. I had no idea where to turn or how to deal with anything. I accepted apologies, but I knew the relationships were broken, irredeemable, gone. There was no quick fix, and the only thing I could foresee was estrangement, bare acknowledgment of the others' existence. I hated to lose such friendships, but how could it be any other way?

Enter God.

As I prayed over and over again for healing and grace, I looked up suddenly and realized it was there. I wasn't angry anymore. I wasn't hurt. I was still free to love and live life with my arms wide and my heart open. I had gone to sleep the night before (and even woken up) wading through mud, aching and bruised. And suddenly I was healed. Awesome right?

And then I realized something else...something really unsettling. In that first moment of realization that God had freed me from anger and hurt, part of me wished that I could have stayed angry, even just for a little bit longer. I felt in control when I was angry. It was like clutching onto shards of glass. Others had placed them there and cut me, but I could grip onto those shards, hold them high and proud and say to others, "Look how they made me bleed!" I could glean pity and attention, but not healing or a better faith. I realized that in this moment I wasn't really longing for God and His will and healing, despite my prayer. I was shocked to find myself desiring pain over His love and grace, even for a second...and then I was filled with remorse for my utter humanity.

Thankfully, He came in spite of me. He healed me in spite of me. And even if I didn't want to obey, I had no choice. Because of Him, it wasn't in me to feel anything but grace and love. He truly filled me. And He's led me a step closer to overcoming myself and really desiring to be like Him and live in Him.

I underestimated His promises to heal and forgive. I underestimated His Spirit at work in me. I underestimated how quickly He can heal and restore.

He is God. Be still and know.

Trial By Fire

There have been a few times in my life where I really felt like God was trying to get my attention. Yesterday was one of them.

I woke up to find my small word spiraling out of my control...I got pushed off a ledge (figuratively speaking) and hit the ground hard. Reality check. Maybe I should've seen it coming, but now I'm left picking up the pieces of my heart and searching in the dark for the next step.

And then God steps in. I sat in my car pouring out my hurt to God and feeling Him wrap his arms around me. And then, since I had some time I needed to kill, I picked up the book Crazy Love. I had read through 75% of it on Sunday, and figured I should finally finish this book I bought months ago. It had talked about God's love for us, and our response in return of love for God. And so I read on. The chapter I started with was entitled "Profile of the Obsessed." After reading not even an entire page, God deals me a blow to the side of the head with the following sentences: True faith is loving a person even after he has hurt you. True love makes you stand out.

Really God? What are you doing to me here? Sometimes when you have to learn a lesson, He wants you aware of it right away. Maybe He wasn't giving me a chance to get angry or put up walls or become bitter. Perhaps He was preparing me for the blow that was still to come. Whatever the reason, He wanted me to read that right then. At least it made me acutely aware of His divine presence.

All I know is I have absolutely no power to cultivate this true faith and love on my own. And, honestly, I don't have much of a desire to either. I've gone over and over things in my mind and constantly think of ways to lash out, to try and make the people that hurt me feel even a percentage of the pain I'm. C.S. Lewis once said "Anger is the fluid love bleeds when you cut it." I think the more you loved, the more you want to go on a search-and-destroy mission of the other person's heart, while at the same time still making excuses for them in your mind.

Enter God again. He asks the impossible of me. And yet He promises everywhere that He can do it. "Is anything to hard for the Lord?" "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." And my favorite passage where God promises His presence - Isaiah 43:1-2:
But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.

I'm headed through fire...and God is my strength and my fortress.