You know that feeling that happens at retreats or conferences or even just a really great time of worship? It's somewhat warm and fuzzy - your spirit just feels alive. A "spiritual high" if you will. And usually that feeling goes away after a couple of hours or a couple of days.
That feeling changed for me this week. It's not like I've had some crazy incredible week in which everything went right and I'm super happy. In some ways, it was actually rather mundane. But somehow I encountered God this week - and God encountered me. And my burning heart hasn't faded.
In several classes it was hard to sit still or pay attention - not because I was bored, but because all I wanted to do was get back to my room or to a secluded place and worship. I was dying to fall on my face and just be in the presence of God. I've never had this feeling, this need to worship sustained over such a long period of time.
It's incredible.
And I pray that it ignites others.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
Worldview...
Most of the time, I hate reading/thinking/speaking about worldview. Worldview (along with diversity) is one of Trinity's catch-words that, in their zeal to impart understanding and appreciation to students, they make students despise. So I was annoyed when assigned another worldview reading for class - one that I'm pretty sure I was supposed to have read before.
But halfway through this reading, I began to realize how deeply rooted my "worldview" is - how inseparable from God I am becoming. To take away this part of me would make me cease to exist.
So many times, Satan tries to drag me down and tell me what a terrible job I am doing as a Christian - how unChristian-like I am acting. And in some respects, that's true - I can do no good on my own. And I stumble and fall and fail over and again.
But when I think about my life - even my everyday activities - God touches every decision I make; every deed I do; every person I love. He colors my life. He is slowly infusing my existence with His presence as I become more and more like Him. He and I are becoming one - an idea found in my favorite chapter of C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters:
"Merely to over-ride a human will (as His felt presence in any but the faintest and most mitigated degree would certainly do) would be for Him useless. He cannot ravish. He can only woo. For His ignoble idea is to eat the cake and have it; the creatures are to be one with Him, but yet themselves; merely to cancel them, or assimilate them, will not serve."
He is relentlessly wooing me - and I cannot resist His call.
But halfway through this reading, I began to realize how deeply rooted my "worldview" is - how inseparable from God I am becoming. To take away this part of me would make me cease to exist.
So many times, Satan tries to drag me down and tell me what a terrible job I am doing as a Christian - how unChristian-like I am acting. And in some respects, that's true - I can do no good on my own. And I stumble and fall and fail over and again.
But when I think about my life - even my everyday activities - God touches every decision I make; every deed I do; every person I love. He colors my life. He is slowly infusing my existence with His presence as I become more and more like Him. He and I are becoming one - an idea found in my favorite chapter of C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters:
"Merely to over-ride a human will (as His felt presence in any but the faintest and most mitigated degree would certainly do) would be for Him useless. He cannot ravish. He can only woo. For His ignoble idea is to eat the cake and have it; the creatures are to be one with Him, but yet themselves; merely to cancel them, or assimilate them, will not serve."
He is relentlessly wooing me - and I cannot resist His call.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Scars
There is something so utterly tragic about broken relationships. Something so inherently wrong - like the world suddenly spinning in the opposite direction. And there's a pain that comes that is both unique and intense.
This sudden attempt at removal of an entire person from your sphere of influence, especially one you have thought highly of and depended on, is excruciating. And it's not the way relationships are supposed to be.
We were meant for each other, meant for community - to trust, and invest; to love and serve; to grow and learn.
But what happens when someone stops working with you (or never did in the first place like you thought)? What happens when someone claims that they "cannot be the friend you need?"
One-sided friendships don't work. Believe me. I've tried for two years. And burned out. And now that I can't continue alone anymore, this friendship has come to an abrupt end. I have no energy to try, and the other person isn't willing to. Something that I've poured love and energy and time into over and over again is gone. Forever. And a hole is left.
Eventually it will turn to a scar, like all wounds do with time. Sometimes I feel that, when I finally leave this life, my whole heart will just be a mass of scarred tissue. My huge capacity to love is always, always spent loving the wrong things. And I walk through the fire again.
We can see God's work farther on down the road...I rest in the knowledge that there is a beautiful reason, and that He will take a tragedy and renew me through it.
This sudden attempt at removal of an entire person from your sphere of influence, especially one you have thought highly of and depended on, is excruciating. And it's not the way relationships are supposed to be.
We were meant for each other, meant for community - to trust, and invest; to love and serve; to grow and learn.
But what happens when someone stops working with you (or never did in the first place like you thought)? What happens when someone claims that they "cannot be the friend you need?"
One-sided friendships don't work. Believe me. I've tried for two years. And burned out. And now that I can't continue alone anymore, this friendship has come to an abrupt end. I have no energy to try, and the other person isn't willing to. Something that I've poured love and energy and time into over and over again is gone. Forever. And a hole is left.
Eventually it will turn to a scar, like all wounds do with time. Sometimes I feel that, when I finally leave this life, my whole heart will just be a mass of scarred tissue. My huge capacity to love is always, always spent loving the wrong things. And I walk through the fire again.
We can see God's work farther on down the road...I rest in the knowledge that there is a beautiful reason, and that He will take a tragedy and renew me through it.
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