A burning heart

You know that feeling that happens at retreats or conferences or even just a really great time of worship? It's somewhat warm and fuzzy - your spirit just feels alive. A "spiritual high" if you will. And usually that feeling goes away after a couple of hours or a couple of days.

That feeling changed for me this week. It's not like I've had some crazy incredible week in which everything went right and I'm super happy. In some ways, it was actually rather mundane. But somehow I encountered God this week - and God encountered me. And my burning heart hasn't faded.

In several classes it was hard to sit still or pay attention - not because I was bored, but because all I wanted to do was get back to my room or to a secluded place and worship. I was dying to fall on my face and just be in the presence of God. I've never had this feeling, this need to worship sustained over such a long period of time.

It's incredible.

And I pray that it ignites others.

Worldview...

Most of the time, I hate reading/thinking/speaking about worldview. Worldview (along with diversity) is one of Trinity's catch-words that, in their zeal to impart understanding and appreciation to students, they make students despise. So I was annoyed when assigned another worldview reading for class - one that I'm pretty sure I was supposed to have read before.

But halfway through this reading, I began to realize how deeply rooted my "worldview" is - how inseparable from God I am becoming. To take away this part of me would make me cease to exist.

So many times, Satan tries to drag me down and tell me what a terrible job I am doing as a Christian - how unChristian-like I am acting. And in some respects, that's true - I can do no good on my own. And I stumble and fall and fail over and again.

But when I think about my life - even my everyday activities - God touches every decision I make; every deed I do; every person I love. He colors my life. He is slowly infusing my existence with His presence as I become more and more like Him. He and I are becoming one - an idea found in my favorite chapter of C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters:

"Merely to over-ride a human will (as His felt presence in any but the faintest and most mitigated degree would certainly do) would be for Him useless. He cannot ravish. He can only woo. For His ignoble idea is to eat the cake and have it; the creatures are to be one with Him, but yet themselves; merely to cancel them, or assimilate them, will not serve."

He is relentlessly wooing me - and I cannot resist His call.

Scars

There is something so utterly tragic about broken relationships. Something so inherently wrong - like the world suddenly spinning in the opposite direction. And there's a pain that comes that is both unique and intense.

This sudden attempt at removal of an entire person from your sphere of influence, especially one you have thought highly of and depended on, is excruciating. And it's not the way relationships are supposed to be.

We were meant for each other, meant for community - to trust, and invest; to love and serve; to grow and learn.

But what happens when someone stops working with you (or never did in the first place like you thought)? What happens when someone claims that they "cannot be the friend you need?"

One-sided friendships don't work. Believe me. I've tried for two years. And burned out. And now that I can't continue alone anymore, this friendship has come to an abrupt end. I have no energy to try, and the other person isn't willing to. Something that I've poured love and energy and time into over and over again is gone. Forever. And a hole is left.

Eventually it will turn to a scar, like all wounds do with time. Sometimes I feel that, when I finally leave this life, my whole heart will just be a mass of scarred tissue. My huge capacity to love is always, always spent loving the wrong things. And I walk through the fire again.

We can see God's work farther on down the road...I rest in the knowledge that there is a beautiful reason, and that He will take a tragedy and renew me through it.

Greater Things

I hate saying goodbye. And I know I use the word hate too much, so it's hard to convey the emotion behind that statement....but I HATE saying goodbye.

I hate the idea that this family will probably never be all together again.
I hate feeling as though my heart is pulled in a hundred directions.
I hate the idea of relationships fading.
And yes, I hate change.

But, in the words of the ever-wise C.S. Lewis: "There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." Life has been good in the here and now. Sure, we've had our failures and moments where we suck, but we've had fun. We've grown. We've blessed and been blessed. But amidst the change that I am so afraid of, God stays the same. He stays faithful, He continues to love. And He has more planned for us. And if this life doesn't bring us together again, we will be together in Glory, where we can again praise our God with each other.

So, whether I see you tomorrow or in the next life, may God be with you until we are together again. I love you all.

Reminders

I've been overwhelmed lately. But not in a bad way. Overwhelmed by God.

I look back over the past six months or so, and I've felt His presence more in that short time frame than in my entire life. Yeah I've learned a lot leading up to the things I am facing now, but over and over again I continue to be amazed and overwhelmed by God.

Just last week I felt that my passion and desire for God were being renewed, and I had the opportunity to share some of my thoughts and insights during worship. As I was gathering my thoughts and struggling how to share with and inspire people - to show them this urgency and crazy desire and to describe the love of God, I was becoming overwhelmed. By God and by my inability to come up with anything that I felt was good enough. And then a dear friend reminded me of something. He told me, "God is too big for you. His love way bigger than words and you aren't going to capture it." And so I just shared what was on my heart. And I was reminded of how much I minimize the crazy love of God.

Along with His crazy love, He 'works everything for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.' (Romans 8:28) I have been seeing this in action lately. There is not one part of my past, present or future that He doesn't know, and He is continually and tirelessly tying all three together in accordance with His good pleasure.

What an image: God, our relentless lover, who woos us from the moment we are formed to the moment we finally see Him face-to-face.

He'll never give up, let go, let down, or leave.

Be inspired.

A Sonnet

I wrote a sonnet for kicks and giggles this past spring and submitted it into the Trinity's OPUS poetry competition. It won first prize and I'm pretty proud of it. So here it is:

Sequestered lies your love upon a shelf,
Bethought too frail to hold in silken gloves.
Yet loving me you thence would find yourself;
The beloved seeks to mirror what she loves.
'Speak not of love 'til finding self is done' -
Your creed is blind to how love does create;
For pale, sweet moon reflects the splendid sun,
And my spirit does your nature imitate.
If from that shelf you would your love remove,
With me you'd find your image, fair and true.
Its constancy my heart would ever prove
by seeking to unearth still more of you.
And so, dear heart, abandon here your quest -
For love in love will find eternal rest.

Life Goes On

Life's funny, you know? Not really in a 'haha' sort of way, although sometimes I do have to laugh aloud at what happens in my life. But I'm talking more of like a 'funny how nothing turns out the way you expect' sort of funny. I've had some pretty great moments, and I've had some pretty rough patches too. And throughout the past couple months I've had a sentence of Robert Frost's running through my head like a mantra: "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."

No matter how much I try to hang on to moments, or how much I wish time would fly by to get me out of a situation or a place, life just continues. And I've begun to find some comfort in these words. No matter how high or low I might be flying at any given time, there is a steady flow - I can always count on night to follow day.

I had so many dreams and aspirations for what I thought my life would be like at this point. And honestly, my life looks NOTHING like what I had planned. I'm pretty sure that when I was forming all these dreams, God was just laughing to Himself. But despite the fact that some dreams have faded and some have been crushed and some have just become impractical, I'm ok with where He has brought me.

I'm content. Content but not satisfied. I know that I can't stay here. I know I'm not done growing and changing. I know that there will be more struggles ahead. Some of them probably tougher than I can even think of. But as C.S. Lewis said, "There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." (I guess I like quotes lately.)

This is a really hazy smattering of thoughts, but I guess I've come to a few conclusions in this muddle that's been on my mind the past few weeks: (a) life goes on, whether I want to stay in a moment or am looking forward to tomorrow and (b) I don't regret where God has led me. I am at peace, and I've seen some things pan out that clearly show the hand of God in my life. I know without a doubt that He's in control - He's got some crazy plan...and if I don't regret following Him now, I know He won't steer me wrong in what's to come. I want to end life (even phases of life) knowing that I followed Him, that He used the events in my life to shape me, and I want to hear at every phase: "Well done, good and faithful servant."