Greater Things

I hate saying goodbye. And I know I use the word hate too much, so it's hard to convey the emotion behind that statement....but I HATE saying goodbye.

I hate the idea that this family will probably never be all together again.
I hate feeling as though my heart is pulled in a hundred directions.
I hate the idea of relationships fading.
And yes, I hate change.

But, in the words of the ever-wise C.S. Lewis: "There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." Life has been good in the here and now. Sure, we've had our failures and moments where we suck, but we've had fun. We've grown. We've blessed and been blessed. But amidst the change that I am so afraid of, God stays the same. He stays faithful, He continues to love. And He has more planned for us. And if this life doesn't bring us together again, we will be together in Glory, where we can again praise our God with each other.

So, whether I see you tomorrow or in the next life, may God be with you until we are together again. I love you all.

Reminders

I've been overwhelmed lately. But not in a bad way. Overwhelmed by God.

I look back over the past six months or so, and I've felt His presence more in that short time frame than in my entire life. Yeah I've learned a lot leading up to the things I am facing now, but over and over again I continue to be amazed and overwhelmed by God.

Just last week I felt that my passion and desire for God were being renewed, and I had the opportunity to share some of my thoughts and insights during worship. As I was gathering my thoughts and struggling how to share with and inspire people - to show them this urgency and crazy desire and to describe the love of God, I was becoming overwhelmed. By God and by my inability to come up with anything that I felt was good enough. And then a dear friend reminded me of something. He told me, "God is too big for you. His love way bigger than words and you aren't going to capture it." And so I just shared what was on my heart. And I was reminded of how much I minimize the crazy love of God.

Along with His crazy love, He 'works everything for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.' (Romans 8:28) I have been seeing this in action lately. There is not one part of my past, present or future that He doesn't know, and He is continually and tirelessly tying all three together in accordance with His good pleasure.

What an image: God, our relentless lover, who woos us from the moment we are formed to the moment we finally see Him face-to-face.

He'll never give up, let go, let down, or leave.

Be inspired.

A Sonnet

I wrote a sonnet for kicks and giggles this past spring and submitted it into the Trinity's OPUS poetry competition. It won first prize and I'm pretty proud of it. So here it is:

Sequestered lies your love upon a shelf,
Bethought too frail to hold in silken gloves.
Yet loving me you thence would find yourself;
The beloved seeks to mirror what she loves.
'Speak not of love 'til finding self is done' -
Your creed is blind to how love does create;
For pale, sweet moon reflects the splendid sun,
And my spirit does your nature imitate.
If from that shelf you would your love remove,
With me you'd find your image, fair and true.
Its constancy my heart would ever prove
by seeking to unearth still more of you.
And so, dear heart, abandon here your quest -
For love in love will find eternal rest.

Life Goes On

Life's funny, you know? Not really in a 'haha' sort of way, although sometimes I do have to laugh aloud at what happens in my life. But I'm talking more of like a 'funny how nothing turns out the way you expect' sort of funny. I've had some pretty great moments, and I've had some pretty rough patches too. And throughout the past couple months I've had a sentence of Robert Frost's running through my head like a mantra: "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."

No matter how much I try to hang on to moments, or how much I wish time would fly by to get me out of a situation or a place, life just continues. And I've begun to find some comfort in these words. No matter how high or low I might be flying at any given time, there is a steady flow - I can always count on night to follow day.

I had so many dreams and aspirations for what I thought my life would be like at this point. And honestly, my life looks NOTHING like what I had planned. I'm pretty sure that when I was forming all these dreams, God was just laughing to Himself. But despite the fact that some dreams have faded and some have been crushed and some have just become impractical, I'm ok with where He has brought me.

I'm content. Content but not satisfied. I know that I can't stay here. I know I'm not done growing and changing. I know that there will be more struggles ahead. Some of them probably tougher than I can even think of. But as C.S. Lewis said, "There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." (I guess I like quotes lately.)

This is a really hazy smattering of thoughts, but I guess I've come to a few conclusions in this muddle that's been on my mind the past few weeks: (a) life goes on, whether I want to stay in a moment or am looking forward to tomorrow and (b) I don't regret where God has led me. I am at peace, and I've seen some things pan out that clearly show the hand of God in my life. I know without a doubt that He's in control - He's got some crazy plan...and if I don't regret following Him now, I know He won't steer me wrong in what's to come. I want to end life (even phases of life) knowing that I followed Him, that He used the events in my life to shape me, and I want to hear at every phase: "Well done, good and faithful servant."

Life Together

Over the past couple years, I've formed an addiction. An addiction to community. This doesn't sound like a bad thing, but sometimes it can be pretty detrimental. There are points at which I can't even do my homework for fear that all those I love are out experiencing life together without me. So maybe it's not an addiction to community, but a fear of being left alone. I'm desperate for interaction.

I read Life Together by Dietrich Bonhoeffer today. And he addressed this in (guess what) the very first chapter. He dedicates several pages to this idea of a human craving for interaction. And, as I had just been struggling with whether or not to get my reading done or go interact with people, my ears perked up. I'm pretty sure God was saying, "Deb, you really need to listen up." So I buckled my spiritual seatbelt and knew I was in for another lesson.

Reality check #1 - "Within the spiritual community there is never, nor in any way, any 'immediate' relationship of one to another, whereas human community expresses a profound, elemental, human desire for community, for immediate contact with other human souls..."
As much as I crave interaction, simply human contact will never fulfill my desire for relationships. Over and above everything, my relationship with the Godhead is the only way I can connect with other people.

Reality check #2 - Human love vs. spiritual love: "Human love has little regard for truth. It makes the truth relative, since nothing, not even the truth, must come between it and the beloved person. Human love desires the other person, his company, his answering love, but it does not serve him. On the contrary, it continues to desire even when it seems to be serving." This made me stop and think. Over and over again I have loved only with a human love. And I delude myself into thinking I am serving and truly loving, but I realize now that my actions were only coming from a desire to be desired. True love doesn't work this way.

Reality check #3 - "Thus this spiritual love will speak to Christ about a brother more than to a brother about Christ. It knows that the most direct way to others is always through prayer to Christ and that love of others is wholly dependent upon the truth in Christ." More and more I have begun to realize that God allowed certain things to happen to me lately to make me forsake human love for the deeper, godlier spiritual love. He is forcing me to forsake human love, with all of its false promises in order that I may truly and humbly cultivate a spiritual love for my brothers and sisters. And through this I am learning to desire human interaction, but only through Christ our mediator.

To live in community is to relate with others through Christ.

May He be our constant guide and intercessor.

Follow the Rabbi

I went to Israel for two weeks this past January through school. It was an absolutely amazing experience - hiking all over the Negev, Jerusalem and Galilee.

I was reflecting on this experience this past Sunday during church. I thought about how on all of our hikes, our tour guide Rami was such a wealth of information. There would be times when we would be hiking, and he would just spout off information about the land, about Jesus, about the people, about all of the above. And sometimes only those who were really close behind him could hear the comments he made. I always made it a point to be near the front on the hikes so I didn't miss any of the information he would give. I noticed that there were a lot of things that got missed by those who tended to stay near the back. At one point, Rami turned to me and said that he enjoyed seeing me so close to the front all the time - he could tell that I was very interested in learning as much as I could. And it was true; I didn't care who was behind me or what was around if Rami was saying something.

And as I thought about this I realized something: how many things has Jesus said that I've missed because I've gotten distracted or tired and lagged behind? What would it look like to follow Him that closely? I think about who is walking beside me and what is around me more than I am truly intent upon following the Rabbi.

And what would happen to me and those around me if I were to live life like that? How can I be so interested in what Rami said and be so blase when God speaks? These should be life-changing, earth-shattering lessons, and instead I gloss over them in a harried or haggard state?

What we've missed before we cannot afford to miss anymore. We need to walk close behind Jesus and listen for what He is telling us.

Don't look back. Don't lag behind.

Follow the Rabbi.

Grace Beyond Measure

How often we completely underestimate God.

This week I was drenched in the grace and power of God and found myself in a position to share that grace. And I was made very aware of several things: (a) I completely underestimated the ability and willingness of God to change/shape my heart, and (b) I don't always feel like being a Christian.

When I get hurt, my instinct is to close myself off, to put up unscalable walls and promise myself that I'll never let that happen again. Self-protection is a human instinct and it's as present in emotional circumstances as it is in physical ones. And often the people who love us, while their intentions are good and supportive, encourage us to hide behind these walls and in our cages of hurt and anger. They hint that we should push away the people that hurt us, because clearly those people can't be trusted.

But Jesus said no to this. I reflected on His life this week, and countless times in the gospels He loves and has compassion on those who don't deserve His love, who will eventually turn around and scream for Him to be crucified. He even knew Judas would betray Him, and yet He washed his feet. In this action, Jesus defied instinct and logic and He simply loved. Wow.

So now it's my turn. I got bruised this week and I felt betrayed. I was hurting. So I prayed for God to help me, to let me be forgiving and gracious, to let me be like Him. And guess what? He answered. Quickly.

I lived for a few days feeling hopeless. Feeling like my life had taken an unalterable turn down a horrible road. I had no idea where to turn or how to deal with anything. I accepted apologies, but I knew the relationships were broken, irredeemable, gone. There was no quick fix, and the only thing I could foresee was estrangement, bare acknowledgment of the others' existence. I hated to lose such friendships, but how could it be any other way?

Enter God.

As I prayed over and over again for healing and grace, I looked up suddenly and realized it was there. I wasn't angry anymore. I wasn't hurt. I was still free to love and live life with my arms wide and my heart open. I had gone to sleep the night before (and even woken up) wading through mud, aching and bruised. And suddenly I was healed. Awesome right?

And then I realized something else...something really unsettling. In that first moment of realization that God had freed me from anger and hurt, part of me wished that I could have stayed angry, even just for a little bit longer. I felt in control when I was angry. It was like clutching onto shards of glass. Others had placed them there and cut me, but I could grip onto those shards, hold them high and proud and say to others, "Look how they made me bleed!" I could glean pity and attention, but not healing or a better faith. I realized that in this moment I wasn't really longing for God and His will and healing, despite my prayer. I was shocked to find myself desiring pain over His love and grace, even for a second...and then I was filled with remorse for my utter humanity.

Thankfully, He came in spite of me. He healed me in spite of me. And even if I didn't want to obey, I had no choice. Because of Him, it wasn't in me to feel anything but grace and love. He truly filled me. And He's led me a step closer to overcoming myself and really desiring to be like Him and live in Him.

I underestimated His promises to heal and forgive. I underestimated His Spirit at work in me. I underestimated how quickly He can heal and restore.

He is God. Be still and know.

Trial By Fire

There have been a few times in my life where I really felt like God was trying to get my attention. Yesterday was one of them.

I woke up to find my small word spiraling out of my control...I got pushed off a ledge (figuratively speaking) and hit the ground hard. Reality check. Maybe I should've seen it coming, but now I'm left picking up the pieces of my heart and searching in the dark for the next step.

And then God steps in. I sat in my car pouring out my hurt to God and feeling Him wrap his arms around me. And then, since I had some time I needed to kill, I picked up the book Crazy Love. I had read through 75% of it on Sunday, and figured I should finally finish this book I bought months ago. It had talked about God's love for us, and our response in return of love for God. And so I read on. The chapter I started with was entitled "Profile of the Obsessed." After reading not even an entire page, God deals me a blow to the side of the head with the following sentences: True faith is loving a person even after he has hurt you. True love makes you stand out.

Really God? What are you doing to me here? Sometimes when you have to learn a lesson, He wants you aware of it right away. Maybe He wasn't giving me a chance to get angry or put up walls or become bitter. Perhaps He was preparing me for the blow that was still to come. Whatever the reason, He wanted me to read that right then. At least it made me acutely aware of His divine presence.

All I know is I have absolutely no power to cultivate this true faith and love on my own. And, honestly, I don't have much of a desire to either. I've gone over and over things in my mind and constantly think of ways to lash out, to try and make the people that hurt me feel even a percentage of the pain I'm. C.S. Lewis once said "Anger is the fluid love bleeds when you cut it." I think the more you loved, the more you want to go on a search-and-destroy mission of the other person's heart, while at the same time still making excuses for them in your mind.

Enter God again. He asks the impossible of me. And yet He promises everywhere that He can do it. "Is anything to hard for the Lord?" "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." And my favorite passage where God promises His presence - Isaiah 43:1-2:
But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.

I'm headed through fire...and God is my strength and my fortress.

Dead or alive...

Soooo....I've been a regular attender at a missional church for about six months now.

It's been such an awesome experience - every time I walk in the door I feel as though I'm at home. From the extremely hospitable church family to the deep insight into the life of Christ I can just feel the love of God radiating from the people. Between church and praise & worship at school, I've been surrounded by many people searching and yearning for true and intense worship.

And then I go back to the CRC. It's not that I am against the denomination (although a lot of times I think denominations in general serve more to divide the Church rather than create outlets for differences in interpretation...that's a whole post in and of itself)...but I can't think of one CRC church that I have visited where I have felt the Spirit of God present like I do at Missio Dei.

This morning I sat through a service across the country from my home, and I felt agonizingly restricted. My heart broke for the Bride of Christ as I looked around at emotionless people. I've been blessed with opportunities and places to worship where I can pour my heart and soul into being with God. And today I felt as though my whole being wanted to be in the presence of God, but there was something alarmingly wrong. I felt no worship, only cold ritual and austere tradition. I wanted to cry out and beg people to open up to the Spirit.

I have heard the words of Isaiah 58 changed to speak of worship rather than simply fasting -
"Is this the kind of worship I have chosen,
only a day for a man to humble himself?
Is it only for bowing one's head like a reed
and for lying on sackcloth and ashes?
Is that what you call worship,
a day acceptable to the LORD ?"
God desires worship to bring Him praise and to loose the chains of injustice - Amos 5:21-24:
"I hate, I despise your religious feasts; I cannot stand your assemblies. Even though you bring me burnt offerings and grain offerings, I will not accept them. Though you bring choice fellowship offerings, I will have no regard for them. Away with the noise of your songs! I will not listen to the music of your harps. But let justice roll on like a river, righteousness like a never-failing stream!"

So how do we encourage true worship? What do we say to those who are more concerned with what other people think than falling on their faces in front of the Holy and living God?

And where do I fit into this equation? I know without a doubt that I don't have this whole worship thing down. And I'm not writing this to pretend that I do. How do I encourage others to search for true worship without passing judgment or forcing my opinions upon them?

So many questions...

Sackcloth and Ashes

What happened to sackcloth and ashes?

What happened to being able to wail? Lamentations 2:19 says "Arise, cry out in the night, as the watches of the night begin; pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord." This isn't some passive, single tear down the cheek.

I feel like some situations call for more than just dressing in black for a day, giving a hug, shedding a tear, sending a card that doesn't seem like enough. "Sorry that so-and-so died...I'm thinking of you." Yeah it may be nice to know there are people around to support you, but we have to send a card to say that? Sympathy cards are stupid.

Job's friends came to see him after his life was demolished, and they wailed and tore their clothes and sprinkled dust on their heads. They sat with him on the ground for seven days and didn't speak 'because they saw how great his suffering was.'

This isn't passive grief - this is raw emotion unleashed. Who decided that we have to be strong or hold everything inside? That's crap.

It's not that we have to don a robe made out of goat's hair and pour dirt on our heads...but what are our sackcloth and ashes? Do we even show our intense grief when we feel it? Do we show our sorrow for our friends and neighbors when they are in desperate pain?

Life sucks sometimes. There is hope and we don't have to wallow in grief, but we don't have to ignore it either.

Desert bloom...

I'm in a desert.

I feel like I have been for awhile too. So what happens now? What is God teaching me through all this? Honestly, sometimes I feel like I'm not learning anything.

So I pray for patience. And I'll admit, I pray for that pretty hesitantly. Why? Because I feel like this is a lesson God LOVES to teach. I feel like as soon as I pray for that, He'll seize the opportunity: "You asked for it? Ok! One lesson in patience, coming up!" Nobody wants to learn patience, we just want to have it. And this has never been an easy lesson for me. Can't I just learn it and move on? Annnnnd...there's me being impatient yet again.

So I wait. And He appears. Sometimes I don't recognize Him. Now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure I rush past Him a lot without realizing it. But He always shows up. And it may be something tiny, but He is constantly appearing. He speaks a kind word through a friend, or even a stranger. He paints the sky with colors. This week he bloomed a field full of daffodils (my favorite flower) for me.

I think I've had the mindset lately that if God's not doing something big, He's not working right now at all. I've gotten upset with the lack of direction and forgotten to look around for His smile.

Maybe I just needed a better perspective...maybe I needed to stop and smell the flowers (literally and figuratively speaking)...maybe a little drought isn't so bad after all...